And the truth is, I wasn’t and, mostly, I’m not.
Historically, as far back as I could find, depression was categorized a condition rooted in sadness, and was called melancholia for a long while (for more on the history of depression – see this )
But I’m not sad.
Yes, I’m sure there has been more than one moment of sadness along the way, but for me, my day to day is a fight with motivation.
- Will I get out of bed today?
- Will I do the work that I’ve been contracted to do? Or make the calls/emails to try and find the next consulting job?
- If I try to do the work, will I be able to put together cohesive thoughts that are remotely related to the task at hand?
- Will I be able to sleep tonight so that I can try to do this tomorrow?
- Will I reach out to those who have reached out, with so much support and love and kindess and let them know how much I appreciate it and them?
Somedays, are “good days”.
- when I forget about depression (at least sort of).
- When I knock out the work and feel so great about it
- When I have an incredible day with friends or family
- when the answers to these questions (or at least SOME of them) is YES!.
Others are not so good.
- When the temptation to stay huddled in bed wins.
- When I make the excuses to not meet my friends.
- When I’m on social media too much, avoiding the “Real” aspects of my life that need attention.
This is when D is the hardest on me.
- When I judge myself and get frustrated and mad that I haven’t done the things I know I need to do.
- When I feel like I can’t do them
This pisses me off.
I think it’s really important to say, that FOR ME, I’ve never gotten to a place where suicide seems like the only answer or the only way out. I’m good at putting on a happy face but it’s never covering up for feeling that – I can’t finish this sentence because I don’t know what that must feel like. I only feel, so (for lack of a better word) incredibly sad for those who do.