Deflect much?

(This may jump around some, so bare with me)

Today is World Mental Health Day and last week was Mental Illness Awareness Week.  (#MIAW for those on twitter).  I was a little on edge about participating for many reasons, but mostly because I honestly didn’t think that what I was dealing with was really worthy of putting out there.  I followed the hashtag, liked and retweeted a few things, but mostly I was just lurking behind the scenes learning from others as they shared…

Depositphotos_10168015_original.jpgWhat I didn’t realize is that the week really stirred things up inside of me.  Emotions that were closer to the surface, maybe, than I’d realized.

Then Friday happened.

I said I wouldn’t talk politics here (or at least really try not to), but there’s linkage here, I promise.  The comments made were shocking at first – to hear and see things that were so blatant me, and they cut deep.  Why?  I haven’t been physically sexually assaulted I kept saying to myself.  And then I realized – I really had.  Former bosses kissing/biting me on the cheek in front of other colleagues. Hugs from colleagues that lingered just a little too long.  Comments made in front of me – the same sort of banter that was excused as ‘locker room talk’.  That we women have been conditioned to tolerate, smile and move on.

And then I got MAD.  Not just mad, but PISSED OFF, angry beyond reason…and I took to FB and wrote about just how angry I was.  (In summary, I wrote “Unfriend me if you’re voting for DT – we have nothing in common and I do not want you in my life”)

And I angered people and I lost long time “friends” as a result.  I’ve been called out by a few people both publicly and privately.  Received support from many more – not surprisingly by women, but by men too.  Some surprised that I could make such a statement when we have “history” and that I wasn’t being open minded – they took this as a political statement, but for me this transcends and supersedes politics.

Today, I feel lots of other emotions, some I cannot verbalize.  But one I can identify  is that I am ashamed that I let my emotions get the best of me.  I’m not sure how much my words (and actions) are related to the emotions that came to the surface.  I have to believe there’s a thread there.

 

 

All too familiar

Today, Monday, is World Mental Health Day.  The first I’ve been aware since I’ve been more public about being a person living with depression.  The first as a person who is trying to keep a discussion about mental health alive, open and strong. I’m pretty awed by how today is promoted around the world.  I’m also a little surprised by how little I see going on today here in the US – there’s work to do, lots of work!

I’ve realized, that the work has to start “at home”, with me.  I’ve recognized a few things over the past  week or so, and it turns out my “home” isn’t so in order.  But I feel as if there’s good along with the bad.

The good news is that the withdrawal symptoms are pretty much history!  It was a really difficult physical period of time, but I got through it and they are behind me! Hallelujah!!

The not so good news – The new combo of Wellbutrin and Lamotrigine just isn’t working. Perhaps I’ve been waiting for this, looking for this, did I will it to happen?  Regardless, the first hint is that the lack of motivation has me firmly in its grasp.  I’ve been here before, I know it and I recognize that I need to do something.

The good with the bad is that I feel like I have an option and that my psych and I will get through this.  In the past, I wouldn’t see it, I would live in that safe place of denial until it got bad – really bad.  After experiencing that all too brief period of being Deb again, means that I don’t have to take it, be submissive to it, let it take over my life.  That I can and will do something.  So that that old, all to familiar feeling becomes something of the past.