December 2. How is that possible? It seems like only a couple of weeks ago I was volunteering for the election and totally optimistic about what lay ahead of me. I’d seen my psych – we changed my meds and I was optimistic that by the end of the year I’d have so much to look forward to…
– I’m still reeling from the election. No, I can’t get over it and ‘just accept it’. I feel like I’ve been repeatedly punched in the gut and with every cabinet nominee it’s another blow. I feel as if I live between two emotions (maybe 3) – absolute rage that we (America) let this happen. Aren’t we better than this, don’t we deserve better? I get it, I understand that the 48% of the country who voted for this person wanted change and were reacting to the rhetoric against my candidate, but really? Emotion 2 is seriously fright and terror about what the next four years hold. This isn’t just “another election” where I’m upset bc my candidate didn’t win, this is fright about what’s going to happen to my healthcare, what’s going to happen to my gay, non-white, non-christian friends, about me being a woman who feels as if she was just assaulted again, but this time on a much more visible level because the person who is President Elect is proud of being a sexual predator….I guess my third emotion is numbness. Fortunately, I won’t let myself stay here – I can’t just be too afraid or play a victim, I won’t let myself be numb. November was Diabetes Awareness Month, a month I am usually very involved in and I don’t think I did anything this year – for the first time in years…There are so many intersection points between diabetes and mental health (like access to healthcare, like prescription drug prices – not small things) and I feel partially, like I let myself down by not being more involved…(and if the political comments upset or offend those reading, I’m sorry – but I’m not sorry, it’s what I’m dealing with.)
– The new med, Viibryd, hasn’t panned out so well. I’ve been at the clinical dosage for about 6 weeks and that, AHHH YES moment has not happened. I’m still foggy, still unmotivated, still unable to concentrate and still too emotional sometimes, while being unemotional others. I saw my wonderful doctor again this week and we’re starting something else, and I’m frankly scared that it won’t work. That I won’t get back to how I was on the abilify and that there aren’t many options left. She started me on Latuda which, after reading up on it, is for bi-polar depression, which I do not have. So will this make me too flat? will it make me ‘numb’ and unresponsive to emotions and what’s happening around me…I’m seeing my doc again in 3 weeks and she impressed upon me how important it was to stay in touch with her–to call about anything. I will.
– Just before Thanksgiving, my sweet golden retriever couldn’t fight her bladder cancer any longer and I had to put her to sleep. This was a week after the election so this one-two punch really hit hard. Really Hard! Today I picked up her ashes. I thought it would be no big deal, it wasn’t. Tears. Memories. More Tears…I still have my Hudson, who is still super clingy, missing his friend. He brings me so much comfort – you really can’t be too sad when you have a 4 legged friend. I’m grateful he’s here.
– And on top of all this, my work isn’t going well and when work isn’t going well that means money is tight. Tight is a major understatement. I’ve made myself brush off the resume(s) and looking for a part time or full time marketing gig but there just aren’t too many options right now. I know that after next week, most businesses will slow down until new years – I know that something will come my way, I’m just hoping that either the projects that have been stalled for months pull through or that I’m able to find a position – I know that the work will help in multiple areas, not just financially. And I know that I’m mentally much better than I was earlier this year so that I can be able to commit to a job.
and then there’s the holidays — but I think I’ll leave that for another post.
So I guess, yes, there has been quite a bit going on since mid-October when I last sat down to write. If I’m being honest, the act of doing this, simply writing it all down, is cathartic. It helps. I’m glad I’m being open, glad I’m able to be honest when for years I wasn’t because I was ashamed. Glad I’m being open with my fam and friends and open to their support! Being honest doesn’t make it all better, but it helps.