November 9th – Groundhog Day

I remember crawling out of bed at some point on November 9th, slowly emerging from my bedroom. Shook to my core.  What now?  No, really, what now? There were lots of reasons why I was thinking this, but the real one, the main one was healthcare.  What Now?

Stop over reacting, people said.  That was campaign rhetoric, people said.  They can’t do everything they said they’d do, people said.  They won’t be that bad, they said.  They’re humans too.

They Said!

So I marched.  I called.  I emailed.  I tweeted.  I showed up.  But they did it.  It is really that bad.  First the House, and my traitorous, letch of a Representative signing a Yea in support of the HRCA.  Now its the gang of 13 and the anti-woman, anti-anyone who’s not party of the 1% bill that is far worse than I could have imagined.  Oh, I guess I imagined that it would be bad, but somehow, I had hoped that the Senators, under the traitor McConnell, would be more humane.  More understanding.  Have more empathy.  But no, it is not just as bad as HRCA, it’s worse.  The spiffy new name, the Better Care Reconciliation Act, doesn’t hide that it’s a  toxic piece of legislation that is designed to hurt far more than the glow the extreme tax credits provide to the millionaires and billionaires who pump $ into their campaign funds.

What Now?

I keep calling.  I keep tweeting.  I keep emailing and showing up.  Each minute feeling a little more defeated knowing that there are “leaders” who think this bill is actually good for the US, or even worse, that it doesn’t go far enough to strip back Medicaid’s growth.  Feeling that the extreme inequities that exist are only going to continue while insurance company CEOs cash paychecks with golden handcuff provisions that are so heavy Rocky Balboa himself couldn’t lift them.

What Now?

This IS about the 20+Million who will be directly impacted by these Bills becoming law.  This IS also about me – my own personal microcosm of healthcare.  And this N of 1 is fuming. And is petrified about what now.  About what next.  How will my 48 year old self afford the ballooning premiums and deductibles and copayments and prescriptions that are inevitable if these bills become law.  “They” say it won’t be that bad, but it was this bad before the ACA and these Bills give insurance companies a green light to do everything they were doing before, and more.  I’m feeling helpless. I’m feeling more than a little nervous.  More than a little scared.

What Now?

I’ll figure it all out – somehow.  But NOW – I write.  I CALL!  I TWEET!  I EMAIL!  I SHOW UP!








A Breakthrough?

Yesterday, I saw my new psychiatrist.  I was not looking forward to this – I love(d) my prior psych, Dr. M.  But after losing a long and extremely frustrating battle with Health Net, I was dropped from coverage and enrolled immediately with Kaiser who of course, has their own network of doctors and pharmaceutical formulary.  To say that I’ve been anxious and nervous is an understatement. Is my current regiment perfect, no, but it’s helped so so much (the only thing I wish is that I could lose some of the 25 lbs that I gained from the ability last summer – but that’s another story.)  So yesterday, I meet Dr. A who was perfectly nice, but she just isn’t Dr. M.  But she listened, took great notes and asked lots of good questions.  She wanted to know why I felt this regimen was working, so I told her.  I admitted for the first time, that my mental health played a significant role in losing my last job.  I said those words – I’d never spoken them before, but had fixated on them in my mind at least a million and one times.  It felt good to say, even though it didn’t take away the failure or frustration or the my own personal embarrassment, but it felt good to finally admit to someone other than myself that I knew that that was my own personal low point.  And why I knew that this regimen was working, because I was able to admit that, and never go back to that point.  So we agreed, I’d stay on what was working for now and see if we can ease back on one medication after my next appointment in 3 months.  And miracle, her clinical assessment that I’d tried multiple other medications also somehow got them to be covered! (Holla!!!)

My second ‘breakthrough’ moment is even more significant, to me.  I’ve been BORED! Like incredibly bored.  Job hunting only takes up so much time in a day, and while I still exercise every morning, I still have a good 12 hours between when I get back from working out til I go to sleep where I need to fill up those hours.  I’ve reached out to a wonderful colleague and friend and we are trying to partner on some projects, so hopefully something will materialize there.  And I’ve had a few phone interviews lately which have been both good practice and a hopeful sign of what could be to come.  But the simple fact that I’m needing and wanting to DO so much more is no small thing to someone who a year ago was spending more time in bed than anything else.  A year ago, I wouldn’t have seen boredom as a breakthrough, but I’m so glad to give it that title today.