A Breakthrough?

Yesterday, I saw my new psychiatrist.  I was not looking forward to this – I love(d) my prior psych, Dr. M.  But after losing a long and extremely frustrating battle with Health Net, I was dropped from coverage and enrolled immediately with Kaiser who of course, has their own network of doctors and pharmaceutical formulary.  To say that I’ve been anxious and nervous is an understatement. Is my current regiment perfect, no, but it’s helped so so much (the only thing I wish is that I could lose some of the 25 lbs that I gained from the ability last summer – but that’s another story.)  So yesterday, I meet Dr. A who was perfectly nice, but she just isn’t Dr. M.  But she listened, took great notes and asked lots of good questions.  She wanted to know why I felt this regimen was working, so I told her.  I admitted for the first time, that my mental health played a significant role in losing my last job.  I said those words – I’d never spoken them before, but had fixated on them in my mind at least a million and one times.  It felt good to say, even though it didn’t take away the failure or frustration or the my own personal embarrassment, but it felt good to finally admit to someone other than myself that I knew that that was my own personal low point.  And why I knew that this regimen was working, because I was able to admit that, and never go back to that point.  So we agreed, I’d stay on what was working for now and see if we can ease back on one medication after my next appointment in 3 months.  And miracle, her clinical assessment that I’d tried multiple other medications also somehow got them to be covered! (Holla!!!)

My second ‘breakthrough’ moment is even more significant, to me.  I’ve been BORED! Like incredibly bored.  Job hunting only takes up so much time in a day, and while I still exercise every morning, I still have a good 12 hours between when I get back from working out til I go to sleep where I need to fill up those hours.  I’ve reached out to a wonderful colleague and friend and we are trying to partner on some projects, so hopefully something will materialize there.  And I’ve had a few phone interviews lately which have been both good practice and a hopeful sign of what could be to come.  But the simple fact that I’m needing and wanting to DO so much more is no small thing to someone who a year ago was spending more time in bed than anything else.  A year ago, I wouldn’t have seen boredom as a breakthrough, but I’m so glad to give it that title today.


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