Somedays

Somedays, I feel as if things are really coming together.  That I’m back to functioning “normally” (I really dislike that word), that all the chemicals are working together inside of me to keep things moving forward.  I wish I could predict these days, or that these were almost every day.  Lately, they really haven’t been and I’m not sure what’s going on.  I’m trying to be introspective and see what, if anything, may have changed to trigger some “old patterns” peaking through.  Are the meds already starting to change their affect? Does this mean another round of being a guinea pig?  I don’t know.

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I do know that I just returned from an annual event that I usually look forward to and that I usually enjoy so much.  But this year, I feel as if I missed almost the whole thing and felt as if I mostly went through the motions.  There were some great moments, some great interactions but I didn’t make the same connections as usual and that upsets me.  Was it my fault? Did I hide? Was I wearing a mask and hiding myself from others even when I was among them?  What stopped me from joining in? From not fitting in in a place where everyone is open and welcoming?

I saw a therapist this week.  First time in more than a decade of sitting down really one on one.  Was it a great connection, no? Was it good enough? I’m not sure.  It was a start.  Should I try to find another one in the complicated Kaiser network?  She recommended we try to set a goal for me to try to reach.  I decided on trying to stop blaming myself for so much – to stop the “I could do more”, “I could do better” conversation that goes on too often.  She recommended I look into some apps to help with meditation and/or mindfulness.  She recommended a book to read.  I will try.

I started back walking again too and I’m hoping that that will help – perhaps a good sweat everyday really will help me like everyone says it does.  I hope it does – I hope all of this helps.  Maybe it’s as simple as trying Abilify again maybe there’s something else that can stop the desire to eat all the time…maybe.  I’m not willing to give up, I’m NOT!  I just wish it was easier, or less fleeting or more constant.  Hell, if I’m wishing for stuff I wish there was a way to cure this stupid illness.  I’m willing to work for it, but god, I hope there’s something that gives me a sustained version of me I’m happy with.