A Breakthrough?

Yesterday, I saw my new psychiatrist.  I was not looking forward to this – I love(d) my prior psych, Dr. M.  But after losing a long and extremely frustrating battle with Health Net, I was dropped from coverage and enrolled immediately with Kaiser who of course, has their own network of doctors and pharmaceutical formulary.  To say that I’ve been anxious and nervous is an understatement. Is my current regiment perfect, no, but it’s helped so so much (the only thing I wish is that I could lose some of the 25 lbs that I gained from the ability last summer – but that’s another story.)  So yesterday, I meet Dr. A who was perfectly nice, but she just isn’t Dr. M.  But she listened, took great notes and asked lots of good questions.  She wanted to know why I felt this regimen was working, so I told her.  I admitted for the first time, that my mental health played a significant role in losing my last job.  I said those words – I’d never spoken them before, but had fixated on them in my mind at least a million and one times.  It felt good to say, even though it didn’t take away the failure or frustration or the my own personal embarrassment, but it felt good to finally admit to someone other than myself that I knew that that was my own personal low point.  And why I knew that this regimen was working, because I was able to admit that, and never go back to that point.  So we agreed, I’d stay on what was working for now and see if we can ease back on one medication after my next appointment in 3 months.  And miracle, her clinical assessment that I’d tried multiple other medications also somehow got them to be covered! (Holla!!!)

My second ‘breakthrough’ moment is even more significant, to me.  I’ve been BORED! Like incredibly bored.  Job hunting only takes up so much time in a day, and while I still exercise every morning, I still have a good 12 hours between when I get back from working out til I go to sleep where I need to fill up those hours.  I’ve reached out to a wonderful colleague and friend and we are trying to partner on some projects, so hopefully something will materialize there.  And I’ve had a few phone interviews lately which have been both good practice and a hopeful sign of what could be to come.  But the simple fact that I’m needing and wanting to DO so much more is no small thing to someone who a year ago was spending more time in bed than anything else.  A year ago, I wouldn’t have seen boredom as a breakthrough, but I’m so glad to give it that title today.


Kid Gloves

I’ve been “out” about my life with depression for a while now.  I’m not sure why I decided it was time to stop hiding and time to start trying to be more honest with myself and with others. My close friends, they knew I had depression, but they didn’t know how hard I was struggling the past several years. And most people, had no clue that I – the seemingly happy, functioning, strong woman, was struggling on a daily basis to sometimes get out of bed and put on that happy face.  But I was.  And somedays, even now, I still do.


Since “outing” myself, I’ve had many people embrace me – publicly and privately – which has been so wonderful.  helpful.  supportive.  And some even confess their own private issues with mental health issues.  Others regularly check in.

And there are others who treat me with kid gloves – like damaged goods.  There are days that this bothers me.  But most of the time, I think about the fact that this is really a reflection of the stigma that surrounds mental health problems.  People don’t understand depression – hell, even someone who lives with it doesn’t get it all the time.  People think that it’s a choice, that I’ve chosen to be unhappy. (now why would anyone choose to be unhappy, I ask you.)  That depression is about being happy or unhappy.  Some think that medication and/or therapy are silver bullets, which they are not.  It’s taken me years (literally more than a decade) of trying just about every medication alone and in combo before I’ve been able to find something that works.   For me.  Right now.  And it’s not a given that tomorrow, my current regimen will still work for me.

I try daily, literally daily, to reach out to people – sometimes a text is all I can muster.  Sometimes its just Facebook.  But I try.  I try to reconnect with those I’d pushed away because I didn’t know how to function. (And I hate the phone but I’m even doing better making phone calls and reaching out that way too).  These are decisions I do make, but when I made the excuses for not going out, or answering the phone or cancelling plans – that was me in survival mode because that was all I could do.

I hope that my posts help to shine some light on what someone who lives with severe/major depressive disorder is like. To be real and not paint the world with rose colored glasses.  But I don’t want to be a ‘debbie downer’ either, because life IS good.  I am empowered, I do know what my options and choices are and I know how good, good feels and I’m determined to keep it.


This song simply kills me – I cannot listen to the original, brilliant Leonard Cohen version or Jeff Buckley’s poignant and gripping version without summoning emotions (many of them, all at once.).  Today, I’ve been singing this song in my head as it feels like the only song that seems appropriate to morn the sweet, older gentleman, Robert Goodwin, Sr. who was brutally, senselessly murdered while being life streamed on social media.  I wrote a post or two about how much this incident has affected me.  There are so many likely equally as gruesome, equally as senseless murders that occur here in the US, that this should have just rolled of our collective shoulders – but this one hit me.  Could it be the horrible visibility it received being first broadcast over Facebook Live and then streamed on every news broadcast around the country? Could it be seeing this REAL crime when we normally see the Hollywood sanitized versions on our small and big screens? Could it be the three or four images of that sweet looking old man who was guilty of nothing more than being in the entirely wrong place at the right time? (in my mind, having just seen the latest Morgan Freeman movie – Going in Style –  I am associating and imposing Mr. Freeman’s lovable character onto Mr. Goodwin).  I honestly don’t have the answers, it just really impacted me.  My friend voiced that she’s not usually an ‘eye for an eye’ type of person, neither am I.  But the killer’s taking of his own life seemed too easy.  Too good for him.

Last week, I got a sense that something ‘wasn’t right’ with my insurance.  I hadn’t received the massive amount of paperwork you receive when your plan becomes live.  The plan details, your ID card, etc – none of it had found its way to my mailbox.  So I called (hey a step in the right direction  – normally during depression episodes I would have hidden from this…delaying what would have surely been bad news.)  I’ll save you from the LONG version, what has happened is that my health plan enrolled me into a “new plan” at the beginning of the year, one that is different from the one I really signed up for and had been applying my premium payments to this imposter plan instead of my real plan.  And of course, once they figured this mess out, they did the natural thing of cancelling me for lack of payment!  A number of phone calls and transfers and re transfers and telling and retelling the same set of details to different people and I’m currently waiting the outcome of a review of the case to see if I can be ‘reinstated’ – even though I made my payments to said insurance company.

A HUGE  PITA.  But more than just that, as other friends and acquaintances have shared their similar experiences, it’s made me realize how screwed up our system of private insurers really is.  I’ve never been supportive of a single payer system – mostly because of the chaos it would create for a painful period of time, not because I was fundamentally opposed to it.  In fact the thought of eliminating what I see as part of the major problem with our ‘sick care system’, the payers who have a practice of reimbursing for the treatment of problems vs. looking organically at the WHOLE problem (we treat conditions not the body as a universe most of the time which leads to the need for multiple specialists and health problems being compounded vs. alleviated.)  Perhaps a single payer could work.  Then I look at the VA system as an example and shake my head again – that doesn’t exactly function well.  Congress, another dysfunctional organization, doesn’t seem willing OR able to even consider this as a prospect, and the likelihood of those boys and girls being able to sit in a room and work out a viable bi-partisian solution, again doesn’t seem too likely.  What do you think on this matter?  I’ve realized that I don’t have a good amount of info other than the examples here in the US and also those from around the world who have this type of a system.  I know there’s bad that comes with the good (and good that comes with the bad as well.)  Help me to understand the pros and cons please.

In the meantime, I’ll keep you posted on the results of my ‘review’ in the next post… be well friends.  be good to yourselves and others.  we all could use a little extra kindness these days.

A Little Better…

in my mind, I think of song lyrics as I start to write each post…today’s is plucked from the Beatles, …”I have to admit, it’s getting better. A little better, since you’ve been mine….Getting so much better all the time.”

Well, at least I can say that when referring to my depression. It’s been several months now that I’ve been on this route – Wellbutrin in the AM, the combo of latuda/vibryyd in the pm.  I still kinda hope that one of those will go away but am also just happy that, for the majority of my days, I’m feeling really good!  There are days, definitely days, where I still would prefer to hunker down in bed – but I’m not.  I don’t let myself  do that, and for now, that is working.

I did something today – I wrote a letter to my old boss.  The one who let me go – the one I couldn’t be honest with about why I wasn’t functioning at work.  I couldn’t be honest with him, because I couldn’t be honest with myself.  I was hiding.

Hiding from myself while I was hiding from everyone else.  I was pretending I was the “old” Deb.  The “fine” Deb.  The one who could do it all.  The one who was smiling inside AND outside – and who meant it.

There are days like today, when I sat down to write that letter, where I remember.  I remember how deep that hole was.  How alone I had made myself and how alone I felt.  And I think about where I am today.

Is today perfect? No. Way.

Is it better? HELL! YES!

Even with everything else that is going on around me, I feel capable.  I feel confident that I can maneuver through it all. That I’ve found the help that I’ve needed to get to where I am today and to get me moving towards tomorrow.

And I have to Thank that Boss.  If he hadn’t fired me – would I be here?  If he hadn’t put the process into motion that would get me back to California – would I physically and mentally be here? Would I have been able to get my shit together – for me.  For my parents who need me.  For my family.  For my friends so that I can continue to grow and learn and laugh.

Would I? I honestly can’t answer that because even once I was physically here in California, I was still lost and scared and hiding.  I’m not sure what it was that helped me to pick up the phone that day and start trying to find my psychiatrist. I don’t know what was different about that day.  But I do know where it started, so thank you Boss.  Thank you.







Depression In the Wild

Over the Christmas holidays, I was fortunate to be asked to housesit for friends who live in a lovely lil’ house in Malibu.  I’ve done this a few times in the past and just love it — it’s a beautiful location, they have an incredible kitchen that I get to cook in and it’s back in my ‘hood’, or at least very near my old stomping grounds of Santa Monica.

even with a storm, the view ain't bad
even with a storm, the view ain’t bad

At this time of year, the other true bonus is that all the year-end movies are out and I think there might be more theaters per capita than just about any other city aside from NYC.  One morning I decided I was going to go see Manchester by the Sea at Santa Monica Place which meant I also got to do some window and real shopping too (bonus!)

I arrived at the mall where the theater is pretty early (I go to the movies so infrequently and forget that you do not need to do that anymore), so I went to get a coffee.  While waiting for my latte, I noticed an older woman who was nicely approaching people.  She didn’t appear harmful or dangerous, and I think most of the people she went up to were tourists so weren’t too bothered.  Shortly after I saw another younger woman who would walk a few steps then stop and have a brief conversation with herself.  She’d then move a few more feet forward and stop and repeat the exercise.  At first, I thought she must have a really stealth phone headset but I passed her a few moments later and she was still doing this routine and no headset was in use.  These women didn’t appear homeless, but they may have been.  They may not have had diagnosed mental health issues, and lord knows, I’m not qualified to do that.  But to the outside observer, and one of their ‘tribe members’, it appeared as if they did and it made an impression.

I thought about this for a few moments and then went to see my movie – which if you haven’t seen it is mentally exhausting to begin with…it took me a few days to go back to my observations and to think about how I can talk about them.

These two completely random examples of encountering mental health issues “in the wild” caused me to think about the other environmental and political situation which we are facing – the impending doom of the ACA.  I read recently in the NY Times that the impact of repealing the ACA to those with mental health issues will be among the most significant.  I can understand that, I can see how mental health also compounds and is compounded by other health conditions.  I’m scared and even more upset about the possibility that I won’t be able to afford my medications or my therapy/Psych visits. And I recognize I have it GOOD!  I know that I am in a position where I haven’t had to choose food or medication.  Shelter or medication.  I knew that I needed help and I knew how to get it – others do not.

It makes me even more angry about the ACA dissection that the 115th Congress will begin likely as soon as they take the oaths of office today.  I recognize that the ACA is far from perfect and, in an attempt to not get too political, I will simply state that it was not meant to be the ‘final product’ offered by the Obama presidency.  The hope of both the President and millions of us here who are beneficiaries of the ACA was that Congress would be able to act like adults and work on the best possible solutions for the American people.  However, that has not been the case and we now have to wait and voice our issues and concerns to our members of Congress and hope that they do not fall on deaf ears.  We can also reach out to and work with organizations who will be acting on our behalf, such as NAMI (national alliance on mental illness).  NAMI has been active in this area and a link to how we can support their efforts on our behalf is here  and the Mental Health America organization is another resource which can be found here.  And of course there are always the links to find your Congress Person and Senators.

I’m not one to sit on the sidelines, but advocating for my health and my rights is relatively new for me.  I know I’ll stumble some but I’ll continue to provide updates and or more information in this blog of work or any relevant items that I come across.


Four, three, two, one…


Goodbye 2016.  Good Riddance!


I usually look forward to the New Year, but not like this.  2016 has literally kicked my ass, and I’m counting the minutes til it’s history.  What I find particularly interesting, is how many friends, family and even social media acquaintances are voicing similar sentiments.  Personal issues, public concerns, the loss of so many iconic people – all of the above – it seems as if so many are ready to kick this year to the curb and are hoping that 2017 brings much needed changes or at minimum a restart.

I don’t want to rehash all the negativity of the year – all that has been taken or lost so I’m looking at the bright spots. And even though they may have been dampened by the negative, the bright shines through –

I feel as if I’m ‘getting there’ with the depression.  I’m still not happy where I am, particularly with my medications, but I’m working on it.  And I can say that it’s a HUGE improvement from where I’ve been so that is all progress!  (The regimen is complicated and I think I have to accept the fact that just popping a single pill is in the past because it didn’t work.)

I’ve had people reach out to thank me for being open about my issues with Depression and for sharing both here and before, in Facebook posts.  That has been such a gift to me.  I never thought that what I was living with, struggling with would resonate with others.  I only knew that it felt like the right time to be more open and honest about it all.  Oh sure there are others who look at me as more ‘flawed’ or as if I’m fragile, but that’s ok.  I’ll never regret my decision and I hope that in some small way my words continue to provide support(Selfishly, if for no other reason, it helps me).

Other than the big D, my health and the health of my family is all solid which is a huge blessing – HUGE – as this time last year it wasn’t.  I’m hopeful that this will continue in the New Year.

My friendships have improved and have become more of a priority for me, I chalk a lot of this up to the fact that with my depression being more contained (controlled?) I’m able to reach out to those who are important to me and even meet new people and make new friends.  This has brought me tremendous happiness all through the year and I’m truly grateful and excited to see how these continue to develop, improve and evolve in 2017.

I feel like I’m also ready to dig deeper and get more involved with some causes that are important to me – particularly in light of the political developments of the year, but also in other areas (such as being ad advocate for foster kids).  I’ve started exploring some new avenues to get involved and look forward to digging in deeper shortly.

I still have many areas of my life to focus on, but I’m not overwhelmed by it all  – at least not right now.  I feel as if I’m ready to put some of those missing puzzle pieces back into play and I’m honestly excited about this.

So 2016, please leave with a whimper – you’ve done enough, taken enough.  Enter gently 2017, we need some positive energy, some renewal, just some NEW to take the edge of the year that has been.

Fa la la la la, la la la la

The holidays….That time of the year that now begins before Halloween (because, why live in the moment?) and goes til…the til part is a little fuzzy for me because there’s New Years, then football bowl games,  then the NCAA champion game that goes til sometime in the first or second week of January…

As a kid, I LOVED Christmas!  I loved the tradition of going to my Grandma Susie’s house, having Shakthe_grinchey’s Pizza (yep, pizza) and being forced to take family pictures in matching outfits that my mom had made before being sent to bed for Santa.  My Grandma lived in a small town, LaVerne, California, that had a lovely tradition of Santa, his sleigh and “reindeer” being escorted around town by the fire department (who also sponsored the event.)  Each kid got a gift bag from Santa (peanuts, perhaps a few pieces of candy and I think little games or balls as the present) and of course there were more pictures.

I’m not sure why or when my focus moved from Christmas to Thanksgiving – I know I was an adult, perhaps 15 years ago or so….but it was a tangible shift for me, and I’m still not sure why it happened.  Perhaps because I became more aware of the fact that my mom hated cooking or that I loved it.  Perhaps because I became more aware of how much my mom dreaded Christmas or that our family had become much more dysfunctional(much more than other families I’d convinced myself).  Or perhaps, it was when depression became more a part of my life.  Who knows, but it happened and the Christmas holiday became much more of a 2nd act than a headliner.  And for me, that’s where it remains.

That’s not to say that I don’t enjoy Christmas – I do.  And I can definitely say that its a much more enjoyable holiday when my niece and nephew entered the picture.  Their excitement over Santa takes me back to my own excitement for Santa (and I still have no idea how my parents did it all for 4-5 kids!)

So, sometime between all the black friday/cyber monday hoopla and the actual Christmas holiday, the bah hum bugs set in.  But, like my pal the Grinch, there’s something that I cannot put my finger on, so I say that it ALL just gets a little difficult.  It’s the month(s) long build up of all the STUFF – the in-store advertising that starts sometime around November 1, the 30+ days of the sappy Hallmark movies, the beloved cartoons (Grinch, Rudolf, Frosty), the sales and shopping and the diamond commercials and all the stereotypes of traditions that are thrown at me.  It’s this and SO. Much. More.  And THIS YEAR, it’s more than difficult, some days are whelming!

It’s the wanting to go to holiday parties, but not being able to go because depression or anxiety or both have decided to be selfish and keep me all to themselves.  Or being physically and mentally ABLE to go, but not being invited because I’d made so many excuses in the past.  It’s the pressures to bake or make even when I want to do it all. It’s the need to sleep til noon even when I know I have a stack of things I have to get to because they are time sensitive.  It’s seeing all the “perfect” moments shared by friends on the inter-web.  It’s the wanting my ‘me time’ but not wanting to be alone or lonely.  It’s being alone and lonely.  It’s feeling invisible.

I KNOW I’m not alone in these feelings.  But they’re still there.  I KNOW I’m truly not alone – my friends and family remind me so often and in so many ways that I’m not.  Yet these feelings are there and I face them, some of them.  Some I face way better than I do others – some are pushed down and will be dealt with someday…maybe.

One thing I’ve learned that I’ve needed to do, is to say (Loud and Proud) THE HOLIDAYS CAN SUCK IT!(paraphrase as appropriate)  I gave myself permission to say this – somedays, I say it multiple times a day.  Somedays maybe only once.  Somedays, not at all.  It’s ok – especially when Hallmark and it’s sister channels are showing “the puppy who found the perfect love for the distraught girl and saved the holidays” type of movies or the G-D Sales commercial is on hawking the PERFECT diamond.  (It’s also WAY ok to hide those channels from now til Valentines day!)  Humor helps me.

(The Grinch and Max are property of the brilliant and so talented Dr. Seuss aka Ted Geisel)





Hello, Again…


December 2.  How is that possible?  It seems like only a couple of weeks ago I was volunteering for the election and totally optimistic about what lay ahead of me.  I’d seen my psych – we changed my meds and I was optimistic that by the end of the year I’d have so much to look forward to…

Today :

– I’m still reeling from the election.  No, I can’t get over it and ‘just accept it’.   I feel like I’ve been repeatedly punched in the gut and with every cabinet nominee it’s another blow.  I feel as if I live between two emotions (maybe 3) – absolute rage that we (America) let this happen.  Aren’t we better than this, don’t we deserve better?  I get it, I understand that the 48% of the country who voted for this person wanted change and were reacting to the rhetoric against my candidate, but really?  Emotion 2 is seriously fright and terror about what the next four years hold.  This isn’t just “another election” where I’m upset bc my candidate didn’t win, this is fright about what’s going to happen to my healthcare, what’s going to happen to my gay, non-white, non-christian friends, about me being a woman who feels as if she was just assaulted again, but this time on a much more visible level because the person who is President Elect is proud of being a sexual predator….I guess my third emotion is numbness.  Fortunately, I won’t let myself stay here – I can’t just be too afraid or play a victim, I won’t let myself be numb.  November was Diabetes Awareness Month, a month I am usually very involved in and I don’t think I did anything this year – for the first time in years…There are so many intersection points between diabetes and mental health (like access to healthcare, like prescription drug prices – not small things) and I feel partially, like I let myself down by not being more involved…(and if the political comments upset or offend those reading, I’m sorry – but I’m not sorry, it’s what I’m dealing with.)

– The new med, Viibryd, hasn’t panned out so well.  I’ve been at the clinical dosage for about 6 weeks and that, AHHH YES moment has not happened.  I’m still foggy, still unmotivated, still unable to concentrate and still too emotional sometimes, while being unemotional others.  I saw my wonderful doctor again this week and we’re starting something else, and I’m frankly scared that it won’t work.  That I won’t get back to how I was on the abilify and that there aren’t many options left.  She started me on Latuda which, after reading up on it, is for bi-polar depression, which I do not have.  So will this make me too flat?  will it make me ‘numb’ and unresponsive to emotions and what’s happening around me…I’m seeing my doc again in 3 weeks and she impressed upon me how important it was to stay in touch with her–to call about anything.  I will.

– Just before Thanksgiving, my sweet golden retriever couldn’t fight her bladder cancer any longer and I had to put her to sleep.  This was a week after the election so this one-two punch really hit hard.  Really Hard!  Today I picked up her ashes.  I thought it would be no big deal, it wasn’t.  Tears.  Memories.  More Tears…I still have my Hudson, who is still super clingy, missing his friend.  He brings me so much comfort – you really can’t be too sad when you have a 4 legged friend.  I’m grateful he’s here.

– And on top of all this, my work isn’t going well and when work isn’t going well that means money is tight.  Tight is a major understatement.  I’ve made myself brush off the resume(s) and looking for a part time or full time marketing gig but there just aren’t too many options right now.  I know that after next week, most businesses will slow down until new years  – I know that something will come my way, I’m just hoping that either the projects that have been stalled for months pull through or that I’m able to find a position – I know that the work will help in multiple areas, not just financially.  And I know that I’m mentally much better than I was earlier this year so that I can be able to commit to a job.

and then there’s the holidays — but I think I’ll leave that for another post.

So I guess, yes, there has been quite a bit going on since mid-October when I last sat down to write.  If I’m being honest, the act of doing this, simply writing it all down, is cathartic.  It helps.  I’m glad I’m being open, glad I’m able to be honest when for years I wasn’t because I was ashamed.  Glad I’m being open with my fam and friends and open to their  support!  Being honest doesn’t make it all better, but it helps.



Deflect much?

(This may jump around some, so bare with me)

Today is World Mental Health Day and last week was Mental Illness Awareness Week.  (#MIAW for those on twitter).  I was a little on edge about participating for many reasons, but mostly because I honestly didn’t think that what I was dealing with was really worthy of putting out there.  I followed the hashtag, liked and retweeted a few things, but mostly I was just lurking behind the scenes learning from others as they shared…

Depositphotos_10168015_original.jpgWhat I didn’t realize is that the week really stirred things up inside of me.  Emotions that were closer to the surface, maybe, than I’d realized.

Then Friday happened.

I said I wouldn’t talk politics here (or at least really try not to), but there’s linkage here, I promise.  The comments made were shocking at first – to hear and see things that were so blatant me, and they cut deep.  Why?  I haven’t been physically sexually assaulted I kept saying to myself.  And then I realized – I really had.  Former bosses kissing/biting me on the cheek in front of other colleagues. Hugs from colleagues that lingered just a little too long.  Comments made in front of me – the same sort of banter that was excused as ‘locker room talk’.  That we women have been conditioned to tolerate, smile and move on.

And then I got MAD.  Not just mad, but PISSED OFF, angry beyond reason…and I took to FB and wrote about just how angry I was.  (In summary, I wrote “Unfriend me if you’re voting for DT – we have nothing in common and I do not want you in my life”)

And I angered people and I lost long time “friends” as a result.  I’ve been called out by a few people both publicly and privately.  Received support from many more – not surprisingly by women, but by men too.  Some surprised that I could make such a statement when we have “history” and that I wasn’t being open minded – they took this as a political statement, but for me this transcends and supersedes politics.

Today, I feel lots of other emotions, some I cannot verbalize.  But one I can identify  is that I am ashamed that I let my emotions get the best of me.  I’m not sure how much my words (and actions) are related to the emotions that came to the surface.  I have to believe there’s a thread there.



All too familiar

Today, Monday, is World Mental Health Day.  The first I’ve been aware since I’ve been more public about being a person living with depression.  The first as a person who is trying to keep a discussion about mental health alive, open and strong. I’m pretty awed by how today is promoted around the world.  I’m also a little surprised by how little I see going on today here in the US – there’s work to do, lots of work!

I’ve realized, that the work has to start “at home”, with me.  I’ve recognized a few things over the past  week or so, and it turns out my “home” isn’t so in order.  But I feel as if there’s good along with the bad.

The good news is that the withdrawal symptoms are pretty much history!  It was a really difficult physical period of time, but I got through it and they are behind me! Hallelujah!!

The not so good news – The new combo of Wellbutrin and Lamotrigine just isn’t working. Perhaps I’ve been waiting for this, looking for this, did I will it to happen?  Regardless, the first hint is that the lack of motivation has me firmly in its grasp.  I’ve been here before, I know it and I recognize that I need to do something.

The good with the bad is that I feel like I have an option and that my psych and I will get through this.  In the past, I wouldn’t see it, I would live in that safe place of denial until it got bad – really bad.  After experiencing that all too brief period of being Deb again, means that I don’t have to take it, be submissive to it, let it take over my life.  That I can and will do something.  So that that old, all to familiar feeling becomes something of the past.